Day 7 Saint Come d’Olt

I am sleeping in a convent tonight. I think its called the angel of mercy. It’s an incredibly beautiful old building with amazing gardens and a little sanctuary from the heat of the sun which has increased a huge amount today. I walked downhill for about 15 Km’s to get here so it must just be the altitude shift. Gave myself an easier day of it. Took a short cut cos my body needs a day to slow down and be in moon time. Met a lovely solo hiker (man) but we can’t speak the same language so we just communicated in smiles as we passed each other continually on the road. There is a little band of us who are walking at roughly the same pace on a similar schedule and though I can’t speak to any of them properly (they know me as ‘australii’) they are like my little roadside family and when we come across each other on the road or at a cafe or restaurant we say ‘bonjour’ as if we are old friends. Stopped at a beautiful river for a splash on the way through. There are very few young people on this walk. They are all much older. Though I know I am not exactly young, I feel it here. I’m glad I came though. It would be a great warm up for the Spanish walk which I still might do and the countryside has been breathtaking. This little town is exquisite. Very medieval and according to one woman I met it is considered one of the most beautiful villages in France.

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Day 6; Saint Chely D’Aubrac

After walking for 10 Km’s this morning through the wind and fog of the moors where I couldn’t see more that 5 ft in front of me I was feeling positively medieval or at least like Elizabeth Bennett on her way to visit her sister Jane who has been taken ill at Mr Darcy’s estate. Unsure if I would ever reach civilisation or another human out of the mist the goddess finally emerged to let me know their was light and safety ahead. Never have I been so glad to see her. Another 8 kilometres and I reached the very cute town of Saint Chely d’Aubrac which is just a really cute stop for pilgrims on the route to Santiago. My lovely hotel room opens onto a giant statue of Mary and child in the garden opposite so tonight I have made a little shrine to the goddess where I intend to offer up my prayers and intentions tonight. I am bleeding today so very grateful for this lovely white bed and this feminine view to hold me as I sleep. The divine mother was everywhere today. And I am glad for it as I have been reflecting deeply on the mother wound as I walk. Of being wrapped so tightly as a babe that I felt suffocated and that same suffocation that I sometimes feel around connection and love. Yes, some deep stuff surfaces when you spend about 6 or 7 hours a day walking solo through the forest! Better than therapy really! At least it’s moving through my body and not just swirling around in my head.

 

Day 5 Aubrac

It’s amazing what a bathtub can do. Better, but still sore and very slow on my feet. I am bleeding so at least that explains the darkness of my mood. It is still very strange to me that I am doing this. It’s similar really to a silent meditation retreat. The language barrier is ridiculous and I come to these restaurants for dinner to be the only person sitting alone while all others are in large groups. They are all wondering ‘why is she not staying in hostels meeting people?’ I am wondering the same myself though the language issue would still be the same. I am pondering my contradiction tonight that I both love and fear people and I want to connect but don’t too. Is it just being in moon time that makes me crave company, someone to lean on? My body is sore. I think I’ve done over 100 Km now and I can feel it. My legs are ok but there are aches in the strangest places. There is a very cute waiter here in this restaurant who speaks English. Young but cute. Also saw a cute single guy walking too who I fantasised about all afternoon. Bet he’s staying in a gite, this is French for hostel and if I did it again this would be the way to go if solo. Anyway I can see that I am here to accept all parts of myself including the contradictions. These are most definitely pre-menstral ravings! I am definitely a morning walker. I feel lush and alive then. The afternoons are treacherous. Tomorrow is 26 km! Must sleep now.

Day 4 Les Faux

Day 4 and I’ve hit a wall. In a shitty space and and need rest. I’m due to bleed any day now so I’m sure that’s got a lot to do with it but I’m tired. And not just physically. It’s not just my legs that are killing me. I’m struggling with my aloneness tonight. And the fact that I both love and fear company. I met some people today. A cool couple from Paris who could speak English and an older French lady who also spoke English and was interested in me coming from Australia. But the conversation is stilted and I miss being able to really commune with someone. I definitely should have continued those French lessons! And then I  see couples and I wish I had a partner to walk with even though I know it would drive me crazy. Full of contradictions today. I am sad. And lonely. And I can’t speak this language and I have to keep going. Today was really long. 26 kilometres of walking and the hotel is shit and off the track. I hope tomorrow is a better day. The view however remains a stunning backdrop to my inner ramblings and the truth is I’m glad some darkness is beginning to stir. Into the void we go…

Day 3 Sauges

Today was definitely the hardest walking so far. ‘Over hill over dale, through bush through briar.’ Continual ascent for 15km sometimes very steep, to cross the mountains into Sauges. Very few pilgrims cross my path. And like true pilgrim magic the ones that do appear at moments when their is some question as to which road to take, they show me and then vanish into the wilderness. Drunk from my indulgence in conversation with Peter ( the only Englishman I have met) last night, I was grateful for the silence and the misty morning. So much conversation with the trees and birds and animals I meet. It is more than enough. Passed a beautiful chapel dedicated to the Magdelene carved into the rock face high above Monistrol D’Allier. I think

Monistrol D’Allier

I am hooked on walking. Peter thought I might get hooked on this and reminds me it is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Very tempted to keep walking to Santiago de Compostela, but we shall see. Daily practice to breathe in Mother Nature and let her be my guide.

 

Having an an awareness too around the sensation of ‘ newness’. Everything I see is so totally new to me that I am filled with childlike wonder at seeing it. Yet today I was marvelling at the view of a river and when I came back to this view after only a minute of turning elsewhere it has lost some of its lustre, it’s magic. A small awareness no doubt but I am curious as to the way things are never as magical as the first time we see them.

Misty morning meditations

The mystical mornings are my magic time. When Mother Nature gently caresses me with her dew drops and whispers her silent secrets. Ecstasy.

D’Allier

 

The most difficult roads definitely do lead to the most beautiful destination. The view overlooking Monistrol D’Allier after climbing what felt like a million steps!

Day 2 Le Puy to Saint-Privat-d’Allier

Wow. I did it. First day of walking. 22km through such beautiful and varied country. From cobblestoned walking tracks to roads, a lush pine forest and almost tropical rainforest it was magnificent. Some steep ups and downs but I managed pretty well, though my legs are very sore so we shall see how I shape up tomorrow. I was ecstatic with the solo walking though and can see how easily I could get hooked on this. Many times today I thought that I could go to Barcelona and just resume the walk from there. Or continue right through to the south of France or even all the way to Santiago de Compostela. I hardly saw anyone at all today, just a few other pilgrims who were mostly older, 60-70 year old men. Mostly it was just me out there in the middle of the beautiful French countryside and I loved it! Coming out of the cathedral and my prayers to the holy mother this morning, the first thing that struck me was that today would be about self acceptance.
Before I can call anything new into my life or change the status quo I need to accept a few harsh truths about myself. Elizabeth Gilbert wrote; ‘If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, and set out on a truth seeking journey, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared – most of all- to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you.’ For me the thing that often stands out as hardest to accept about myself is my desire to do things alone. Often. Most things in fact but especially travel. I detest the thought of travelling in a group. Of taking up so much space. I prefer to touch the world lightly, solo. Of course I know even as I write this that I will be severely tested on this and can have an equally strong desire to connect at times too. But just now, as I feel my soul come alive with delight just being here alone in this forest, I know that this is a part of me I have to accept and love once and for all no matter how misunderstood I might be. So many times I see people look hurt or offended when I try to express these things, like it raises some alarm of terror within. And therein lies the conundrum. Cos I still love people and my close friends and I still want love. I have no idea what sort of romantic love might be able to accommodate such a nature and I am aware that a solitary nature often makes it difficult for me to receive fully and completely, as I guard this sacred solitude very closely, perhaps even when I don’t need to, but the gifts I receive from my own soul are immeasurable. I remember reading ‘Tracks’ by Robyn Davidson when I was about 20 and it was so exhilarating to me to think of this young woman out in the wild alone, just walking. But what I also loved about reading this book was Robyn herself. Her difficulties with people and men, her love of solitude and the way people around her didn’t understand it. I understood it all and somehow it gave permission to to a tiny, as yet undiscovered part of my soul that it was possible to be this person and that amazing things might happen because of it. So the first day of my pilgrimage has been beautiful and tonight I am sharing a glass of red wine with Peter, the owner of the hotel I am staying in at Saint-Privat-d’Allier, he is from the UK and the first person I have been able to really converse with since I’ve been here. Peter is also an ex teacher so he is very interested in pilgrims especially English speaking ones who find their way to this part of the world to change their lives. I like him. He is weather beaten but intelligent and I love his command of the situation. I think tonight I really just love that he speaks English and that I can share some of my stories of the past few days with him. So maybe I’m really not so solitary after all!

Day 1 Le Puy-en-Velay

“When you travel you experience, in a very practical way, the act of rebirth. You confront completely new situations, the days pass more slowly, and on most journeys you don’t even understand the language the people speak. So you are like a child just out of the womb. You begin to be more accessible to others because they may be able to help you in difficult situations. And you accept any small favour from the gods with great delight, as if it were an episode you would remember for the rest of your life.” Paulo Cohelo.

And therein lies the reason for this pilgrimage in a nutshell. Though I can list many other reasons and questions I have for this pilgrimage, ultimately it is to return to this state of grace, this resting with god in the here and now on faith and trust. Or perhaps I should say goddess as I am beginning my peregrination in a town that worships the black madonna. It is she who I will pray to at morning mass tomorrow before beginning the 270km walk to Cahors.

I don’t think I was fully prepared for the deep significance of this journey or it’s spiritual necessity. I have just spent a week in Paris where I indulged in pleasure and made a holiday break from the routine life I left behind. But I have been planning this pilgrimage for a year. Turning 42 has had a big impact on my life and it has coincided with some very obvious changes and turning points in both a worldly and spiritual sense. I have felt for some time that my spiritual path is changing direction and that a new teacher is sought. I also know that there is therapeutic work to be done and I want to touch this through the realm of dreams if I can. I am no longer young yet I am like Mary turning towards the heavens, a mere babe on my spiritual path. I wonder if I should keep this blog private for the length of the pilgrimage so that I am not censored by the ‘audience’ and can remain as true as I can to the truth of this inner journey? But isn’t the whole point of a blog for it to be read in stages? Anyway, I have been delighted to arrive in Le-Puy and find such a beautiful hamlet steeped in the divine feminine and very literally watched over by her holy presence.

I have spent all day walking up ancient stone steps as this town is built over volcanic rock and it’s most exquisite monuments are built high up towards the heavens, One of the most impressive being the chapel of Saint Michel.

I am very much hoping that this prepares me in some way for the 22km walk I have tomorrow to Saint-Privat-d’Allier which I am told is mostly uphill. I am nervous about travelling alone as no one here speaks English though the the locals tell me it is impossible to get lost as it is a well worn path. Just as well for I sort of forgot how to learn to use a compass!

So in the true tradition of pilgrimage I am saying goodbye tonight to my old self and peacefully letting go of all that no longer serves me. May the goddess light my way to new beginnings and possibilities. May my new path be filled with love, joy and service to her and honour the stirrings within my soul.